


you know you are you, you bastard -a collection of love poems

by fruity_little_bard



Category: Original Work
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:08:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 5,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27222496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fruity_little_bard/pseuds/fruity_little_bard
Summary: All the poems that are not, in fact, about the sea captain and the bard, but who the sea captain is based on. Here there be angst and unrequited love. Three years worth of it, to be exact.





	1. about a boy

i hug you

on tiptoes

with arms around your neck

like “girls do”

but i haven’t been a girl

since i was 7 years old

and i know that how you see me

doesn’t match up with

who i used to be

and the first time i

hugged you like that

i told you

i loved you

smelling like 11.5 hours

marinating in other people’s food

and you said you knew

when i said the day was horrible

and i want you to know

i didn’t mean for this to happen

heart eyes you don’t notice

talking about you like

you’re a new favorite book

pages i never want to stop

running my hands over

papercuts be damned

but i love you

for your long hair

black as ink

and other metaphors

and i wonder if you’d let me

run my fingers through it

like some cheesy romance novel

i love you

for your smile

and how you smile at me

still laughing at my lame jokes

about how queer i am

i love you

for how you said you

just have to

sing along to

in the danger zone and

the wall between us

hid a grin so wide

my cheeks hurt

and i love you

even though i know

this will never go anywhere

because i’m never going to

tell you

just how much i love you

just how much i want to kiss you

just how much i miss you

when you’re gone

and just how much i hope

you might love me back

enough to let me

be yours


	2. your name here

you’re ahead of me in line

ordering food

a drink with too much sugar

maybe tickets to a movie

that you’re seeing alone

and i want to offer

to eat with you

sit next to you

you can rest your head

on my shoulder

and i’ll hold your hand

on top of the table

because our love

is nothing to be

ashamed of

i don’t know your name

but the way you put

flowers behind your ear

makes me want to

come home to you

year after year

and you’re sitting in

front of me on the max

you don’t notice me

almost falling asleep

against the headache inducing

rattle of the glass window

but the way you so carefully

spread tomato sauce onto

a lunchables pizza

makes my mouth water

makes me wish someone would

touch me like that

and i don’t know your name

but that doesn’t matter

because i’ll learn it when the

time is right and

buy you warm socks for winter

make you pancakes on your birthday

maybe even learn how to

make coffee that isn’t

an insult to the bean itself

and i don’t know your name

but i know you’re the type

of person

that i could fall

in love with

(if i only had the courage

to say hello)


	3. this one's for you

crash into me

be like waves against my sandy shore

bite my lip when we kiss

taste my blood if you want

how your name sings through

every one of my veins

let it explode across your tongue

and your teeth will ache

with my name

keep your eyes open

look into mine

and see yourself reflected back

with all the love i

have for you

we’ll make each other feel alive

and other romantic cliches

like making your favorite breakfast

darning your socks

with your head in my lap

a hand in your soft hair

and a smile playing across

your slightly chapped lips

i might bend down to kiss you

pull you close

rub your back

just hold you there

a snapshot of

domestic bliss

let me be a hopeless

romantic a little bit longer

always too quick to love

lingering when you walk away

and maybe you’ll turn around

give me a little wave

and maybe you won’t

and maybe

it’ll be better

that way


	4. ink

dammit any how

i’m a love poet

a hopeless romantic

heart on my sleeve

gladly rolling your name around

in my mouth like a marble

my teeth ache

from wanting you

and that’s okay

i’ll rub the pain

out of my jaw and

get back on my feet

and there are so many ways

for me to say

i love you

it’s rolling down my arms

black and blue ink

let me water your notebook

paper garden with all these

words of mine

i’ll love you through

everything and will

your jagged edges back together

because i’ve got so much

to give

let me forget how to

hate myself so much

as i hold you in my arms

we can sit and watch

the world for a little while

intertwine your fingers with mine

let’s anchor each other

at least for tonight

and you’ll believe me

when i tell you that

you are deserving of so much love

of everything you want

in this world


	5. i swear this is a happy poem

i love you

and that’s what matters

even if you will never love me back

in that way

i just want you to know that

among other things

i am exceptionally good

at unrequited

but that hardly matters now

because there is a lump in

my throat and almost all

of my daydreams look like you

like being held in your arms

wrapping mine around your neck

and saying

i love you

for the first time

so quick that neither of us

were sure it was real

and i think of the holes

in your socks a lot

wondering if you have anyone

to darn them for you

and i promise not to

make them too ugly

if you let me fix them

and i want you to believe me

when i say you’re my friend

the only person i’m comfortable

with texting when i’m fucked up

on booze and the devil’s lettuce

and if you think that’s romantic

or a little creepy

then that’s okay

because you are so deserving

of so many good things

and i want to give them to you

with my whole heart

and i hope that just maybe

you won’t leave me standing there

holding that faithful

organ in my hands

while it cries out for you

but if you do

then that’s okay

too


	6. i wrote this for you

i wrote this for you

did you know that?

i had been writing

for you since the first time

we met at ten years old

and i fell in love

with every part of you

and i wrote for you

until i fell out of love

like air rushing back into

my lungs after holding my breath

for years and years

i wrote this for you

not quite a poem

but little snippets here and there

keeping you up because

time zones and insomnia

calling you “my love”

and meaning it with all my being

in the way only a child can

and i am still asking myself why

it ended the way it did

when did you stop loving me?

why did you stop loving me?

i wrote this for you

probably the first time

i ever tried to rhyme in a poem

and it was terrible

but i meant every word

every time i said i love you

every letter you sent me

that i tacked to my wall

we are going to meet in person

and i am going to snot and cry

all over you dammit

i wrote this for you

when you still loved me

still wanted me

what felt like more than you did

when i thought i was your daughter

and we would meet for lunch

and when you hugged me

you smelled like i did

when i was a child

and hadn’t seen you in months

that quickly became years

i felt safe in your arms

but i think i’m afraid of you now

i wrote this for you

and it was too romantic

for who you are

for who we are

as people and as a friends

and i told you i loved you

with my arms around your neck

because i thought i wouldn’t see

you again and i still wonder if

you heard me

but i’m not going to ask

i wrote this for you

with your hair bright as flames

eyes sparkling in the sun

you always smell like home

and i want to carry that with me

all the time because it makes

me feel safe

and loved

you make me feel

safe and loved

and i wrote this for you

with ink smeared on my

fingertips and my wrists

like the colors used to be when

i was a young boy

and some of it hurt

but more of it made me smile


	7. a gospel of tenderness

my word is my gospel

a body made up of snatches

of conversations

kind words from chapped lips

various pen inks

staining the skin of my hands

and blunted fingertips

believing so fiercely in a love

that i can only hope believes

in me too

and i think a lot about empty spaces

so many voids to fill

like how your hand would fit

in mine

and we could laugh about my sweaty palms

like how a girl

i loved held my hand that first time

and said she wasn’t afraid

she wouldn’t be ashamed

walking by people in a crowded mall

and flipping through baby name books

like we deserved a future together

i think about your cold feet

wondering if there are holes

in socks that you keep forgetting

to sew and wishing there

were a way to close

those gaps of darkness

nestled between your ribs

we could plant flowers there

ya know

plants i promise not to kill

painting a black thumb green

if only to see you smile

and i think about kissing you

i think about it a lot

but i don’t have that kind of courage

still trying to believe in love

like i did as a child

writing that darkness into

something tender and soft

smoothing out those jagged edges

like carding fingers through your

messy hair

filling those gaps with

sunshine and smiles

and your name on my lips

a new favorite taste

giving myself a happy ending

and that’s okay


	8. search lights

i am looking for god

in places i saw him

fleeting and peripheral

hidden in the gaps of his teeth

when he smiles

and how her fingers slotted perfectly

in between my own

the knife in my shaking hand

has a white flag tied around the handle

indents of jagged teeth in my bottom lip

not knowing if the blood on my tongue

belongs to me

and that first time we held hands

my heart sprouted wings

tried to escape the cage

of my chest

searching for the light

that you exuded

i am looking for god

and he sat next to me

leaning up against a bedroom wall

long forgotten by now

with her head in my lap

fingers carding through long hair

i counted her freckles

and god said they were like

constellations trapped under the skin

and i think he may be right

i have briefly found god

not in houses of worship

but on the lips of others

kisses in bedrooms

school hallways

standing in the middle of

empty and darkened streets

the feeling they brought out in me

it felt so close to holy

i could have wept

and my grasp on the knife

is becoming less severe

ready to bury it in the ground

watch a forest grow out of it

that fear of a god that

felt more like another absentee father

than someone i could pray to

but i found him

when i looked into your eyes

and was met with an openness

i would have gladly drowned in

i found him

in your laugh

your warm embrace

your calloused hands

your lips against mine

i found god in

you you you


	9. mud

my boots are up on the

dashboard of your car

dried mud on the soles

stuck in the treads

but i don’t think you mind

because we’re going to

the coast and you’re singing

along with the songs on the

radio like we do this

all the time

and your voice is scratchy

in a way that makes my teeth hurt

but i realize it’s not a metaphor

i’ve just been clenching my jaw

a coil of nerves

tightening around the cold and

greasy food that we

decided to call breakfast

this is not a foreign feeling

just one i have grown unaccustomed

to having

this guilt over who i love

‘cause i’m way too good

at trapping myself in unrequited pining

unable to figure out if you

care enough not to point it out

or if you’re really just

that oblivious

but none of that matters now

because all i want to do

is run my hands

that may or may not be shaking

through the curls in your hair

and you might even let me

this time


	10. shine on

there is a darkness

harbored by my ribs

an ivory cage

and i am eating matches

like over-salted french fries

trying to burn

it off

but this isn’t

a movie

and this is not a bid to

die with my lover

my mattress is only

big enough for one

and there just aren’t enough

blankets to simulate the

warmth of another body

laying next to mine

scuffed boots leave streaks

of dirt on striped sheets

like i have somewhere to be

someone to go to

when i can’t sleep

but the sun rises

shines into bleary eyes

and if i squint

the shaft of light

arcing across my carpet

looks like it could be you

that darkness could also

arguably be in the shape of

you and i am still trying to

figure out if that place

is something i should be

ridding myself of

or holding close

with both hands

and these matches are

nowhere near as sweet

as your lips were

on that dark night

but i am shining

bright now

maybe enough for you

to see

and if you don’t

well

then that’s okay

too


	11. secrets

you tell me to

follow my heart

and i almost say

“i love you”

sitting next to you

at a table which holds more

sentimental value than i could

ever possibly understand

i want to reach out

and touch your hand

but i bite my tongue

alcohol thrumming in my veins

almost enough courage to

tell you how i feel

and instead i say

forcing a laugh

“my heart has a shit

sense of direction”

because how do i tell you

that this map i hold

in my shaking hands

always leads back to you

i have already made myself

so very vulnerable where

you and i are concerned

and i don’t want to

scare you away

following my heart

is bad advice

meant to be caring

and that makes this hurt even more

all this pent-up affection

threatening to overflow

but i am holding it back

with clenched fists and

an aching tongue from

all the times i almost

told you how i really feel

and i don’t know how to

make this pining sound poetic

when i am so good at unrequited

love love love

and wanting to hold

you close


	12. interlocking

being tattooed for the sixth time

by the same artist

and as a grouping of seven

to nine needles drives ink

into my skin again and again

my tattoo artist and i

talk about how

pain forces you to become

aware that you are present

in your body

i am not just a meat puppet

piloted from afar

i am the gray matter inside my skull

the blood in my veins

the scars on my arms

my body fits together so well

my fingers slot together

like they were meant to be

crooked on one side from

a heavy old car door

where you cried more than i did

because hurting other people

is such a terrible feeling

i still think our fingers

fit together better

mine clammy from fear

and yours warm because of

the fear you were shedding

with every step we took together

and all my parts

attached as they should be

like my hand on your face

yours in my hair

back to back on a mattress

better fit to one

but i never felt as warm as

i did with your body

pressed against mine

and my heart skipped beats

like your lips pulled me back

into my body

from where ever i had been

my breath and yours

mixing like they were always

meant to ya know

if i could somehow

climb inside the shield

that our love creates around us

everything interlocked

like it’s meant to be

then i would be

even more okay

and i am trying to

find a way to tell you

all this without my voice shaking

though that may take some time

which is all we have left

between us now


	13. ballad of a selfish man

i want you as a lover

and isn’t that selfish of me?

here with all my unrequited love

i am still trying to choke down

like the ache of you

not being able to

love me back

and i don’t want nakedness

no skin on skin

aside from cupping the side of

your face in the palm

of my shaking hand

i want to feel your breath

remnants of coffee and cigarettes

a candle burned at both ends

watching the sun rise twice

in the same day

and i won’t try to hold your hand

run my fingers through your hair

kiss you with all the tenderness i have

or try to make you stay

but goddammit i want to


	14. to: you

my heart just so

happens to be a

muscle the size

of my fist

but my heart is

so much softer

than all this cartilage

and bone that i can

break against

so many different things

and i want to be soft

to be full of love and

light and the reason

that you smile

is that selfish of me?

i am still trying to answer

that question

but none of my answers

are agreeing with me

at least there is no

more guilt

curdling in my guts

along with the wanting

to kiss you

and i want you to

taste your name

on my tongue

make me bleed

with the force of

your mouth against mine

and i will thank you

with our blood

mingling on my chin

with my heart

fluttering against the

cage of my ribs

beating a soft rhythm

to the sound of your name


	15. could you/would you?

i can be gone when you wake

if you want me to be

it helps that you sleep in

choosing not to greet

the dawn twice

and i don’t know how

to ask if you still

want to see me

once the alcohol is gone

some things are easier to say

to do

when liquid courage sloshes

around in my belly

like forcing my tongue

to cooperate into the words

needed to lay

my heart on the table

trusting you to do with it

with my confession

with my affection

with me

what you will

and i want to bring you flowers

and other silly little things

that i hope you’ll keep

but i opt for other things

that can be shared

though made with you

in mind

and i wonder if this

will go anywhere

beyond sharing drinks

and so many words

and i wonder

if whatever we have

did go further

would either of us

be able to stand it?


	16. i know

i know how this goes

well-versed in the concepts of

unrequited

un-reciprocated

and unavailable

this is a dance

i know all the steps to

leaning towards you

across a well-loved table

like ocean waves

against the shore

two fires rage

in all the blood in my body

rushing to my face

and the alcohol in my

otherwise empty belly

wrapping myself in a cloak

of courage

and i know how this goes

you know of my attraction

you are flattered by this

you cannot reciprocate this

and this stopped being fun

a little bit ago

spending my nights with tears

in my eyes

wondering why i am always the

one to fall

i guess we are all

shackled to things

in one way or another

ya know?

i am shackled

to my own heart

and firmly tied to hope

so close that it

has me in a choke-hold

that i am no longer fighting against

and i know what you are

shackled to, my dear

this deep and aching sadness

that is only made for you

to carry

and i will carry this

torch for you

for now

at least

until my heart decides

to listen to my head again

and i fall back on all

those “un’s”

like i always seem

to do


	17. hurts

there is blood in my mouth

i know it is my blood

could be from

tooth cheek nail

throat raw from crying

my hands are shaking

a catalogue of sensations

that are making

my knees weak

and i know you’re

talking to me

can see your mouth moving

think i hear my name

but can’t be sure

there is blood rushing

in my ears

through the frantic beating

of my heart

and i just want it

to slow down

keep from stumbling

over itself when

i think of you

and you’re still talking

i think it’s to ask

if i’m okay

and i want to ask back

what do you want

me to say?

what do you want

to hear from me?

because it hurts

it hurts

it hurts

it hurts


	18. lover boy

i will render you

in word

in ink

in the trembling of my hands

and the racing of my heart beat

you will be sculpted

in the most loving way

taking extra care on

your pretty eyes

and soft lips

and crooked teeth

i want your grin to

be a mirror image of

the one that feels saved

just for me

but that’s probably silly

if you’ll allow me

i’m gonna draw forth all

the beauty i see in you

so maybe you’ll see it too

all the love i harbor

for you

shining through

my fragile and human ribs

parting like tree limbs

for this bright light

we can stand under

this burning sun together

you and i, lover

and i will render you

with all the care and tenderness

these shaking hands of mine

are capable of


	19. ballad of a foolish man

mama didn’t raise no quitter

but she sure as hell

raised a fool

i am a fool

for hope

for love

for you

and for this

bottle of vodka

like drinking the whole

thing will actually help

and not just make me

puke my brains out

later

and i have so much

love to give

but mostly to those

that don’t know what

real and true

love is

and the chokehold

hope has on me

only tightens

but i have learned

to let it, lover

eating matches to

burn off the darkness

inside and leave only

love and light and hope

and you you you


	20. love love love

i want to kiss you

do you know that, lover?

and not just when i’m drunk

though i’d be more likely

to ask then

and the pocket-sized

bottle of tequila i drank

isn’t the only thing

making my guts warm

but the way you look at me

laying down fully on your couch

because i think i’m funny

makes me realize that i

wouldn’t mind waking up to you

coming home to you

makes me realize that

maybe i’m in too deep

but i passed the shallows

months ago

floating on my back

and holding out my hand

maybe hoping that

our hands will touch

is that really too much to ask?

lover?


	21. is it, though?

sometimes

love just isn’t enough

and that really fucking sucks

such an emotion gets too

much credit for what

it is and isn’t able to do

love won’t stop a bullet

can’t hold back a knife

from opening up skin

like a second mouth

won’t stop you from leaving

and that’s the thing isn’t it?

love won’t always be enough

and god knows

i wish it were

with all of my being

i think we deserve a

happy ending, lover

don’t you?

i want an ending

that doesn’t leave me

with an ache

with a rawness that i

have yet to discover how to

keep from festering

and i loved her

and i loved him

and i love you

so much it left a mark

but that just wasn’t enough

and there is only so

much of me

of my love

i can give before i’ve

finally been hollowed out

i don’t think my love

will be enough

even then, lover

and that’s something

i’ll just have to

learn to

live with

but right now

it really fucking hurts


	22. borrowed

the blood in me loves you

and other sweet nothings

i can make real

simply by speaking them, lover

with your head in my lap

my hands in your long hair

and the night fraying at the

edges around us

giving way to dawn

for the second time

what a treat to watch it

become light once again

with you

and other sappy shit, too

because that’s what i’m good at

putting more poetry

and romance into whatever

it is we have

whatever it is

we had

than there ever could have been

and sometime it feels like

all that’s left between us is

an empty bottle of rum

two dirty shot glasses

and the shaking of my hands

the aching of my teeth

and what an ending that is,

lover

what an ending this is

giving back the time

i had tried to borrow

for us


	23. reckless in love and other things

recklessness is something i

found myself excelling in

from a young age

maybe too young?

when did this stop being fun?

when did this body grow so old?

but self destruction loses its appeal

rather quickly

and the soul breaks sooner than the body

i believed in this destruction

treated it like a gospel

too many death wishes to count

and when i did try

faint white scars like tally marks

the sheer number made my head spin

i needed something else to

believe in

another thing to be reckless with

the metaphor of my heart was a start

so full of love and remembered light

practically bursting at the seams

this constant beating

pumping of warm blood to cold limbs

maybe you’ll hold me for a while, my love?

i believe in love

like a poet and a hopeless romantic

maybe the same, but who am i to argue semantics?

being reckless with my love and my heart

all this love to give

bidding farewell to destruction and disaster

every human needs something to believe in

a reason to keep going

and love

reckless and sweet and freely given love

seems like a good place to start


	24. hanahaki (or: two birds/one poem)

1.

there is a rotten smell

permeating this particular instance

of public transit

and i wonder if it is me

is this the aftermath of

what i never coughed up for you

in the midst of my unrequited love?

it wouldn’t be flowers for you, though

i think clovers would have been more fitting

like the one that you gave me

hand-crafted pendant on a leather cord

and i really have to be more careful

with my heart, don’t i?

all these pretty things i can write about love

can’t hold a candle to the real, reciprocated thing

and i realize now it was unfair of me

to ask of you something you could not give

but i love you just the same

albeit it with less heartache and tears

2.

that rot must be coming from me

and the roses

pink like the sunset and downy soft

i planted between my ribs for you

did you see that garden?

how i tried to give you everything i had

the way i allowed you to take and take

and asked for little in return?

but what is a garden

when it is trapped behind towering walls

with no one to see the way all those flowers shine,

and what a lonely thing that is

i choked myself on roses for you

and that wasn’t enough

was i not enough?

hard not to feel like it, if you must know

but i have better things to do

than make my throat bleed

with all these words and love

with nowhere to go

i think it’s time that i plant

some flowers for myself

no more roses or clovers

but maybe dandelions this time


	25. make me

i wonder if this is

what love feels like

your hand fisted in the collar

of my shirt

our faces so close

i could lean forward

and kiss you gently

or bite your lip

make you bleed

like i have bled

instead, i bite my tongue

tasting copper

but nothing i will regret

having said

like all these apologies

stagnating in my throat

maybe a broken plea

but i don’t know what for

i’d ask you

if i could find my voice

putting the pressure on you

to fix this

and that’s selfish, isn’t it?

wanting you to hold me

like one would a lover

without the other iterations

of that silly little word

but that’s all i have

ran out of ways to make my sorrow

sound poetic and palatable

long before this infatuation

blind-sided me so cruelly

and maybe right now

this is okay

your hands rough on my skin

but your voice so soft

when you look at me


	26. prettier on paper

unrequited love is all well

and good in songs

written out as a poem

a sonnet

a ballad

but the reality hurts

the only heart i’ve ever

broken is my own

which, i guess that’s not

such a bad track-record

and what kind of poet

a wanna-be bard

would i be if i didn’t

think or speak with my mind

but with my heart

my love?

but i have grown tired

of licking my wounds

always hoping for hands

that are more steady than my own

to take this hurt from me

and i am so full of love

yours for the taking, always

i’d give you my heart if i could

better with a knife than with blood

but that’s a risk i’m willing to take

i ache, i ache, and i ache

not entirely knowing what for

maybe out of longing

something akin to wanting?

an answer only i can give

but i still don’t know

what the question could be

and so words die on my tongue

afraid of smothering you under

the weight of whatever

this is


End file.
